This issue is currently a hot one out in blog-land so I thought I’d weigh in. Cosmopolitan magazine (a bastion of feminist values, I know) has an article this month called “A New Kind of Date Rape,” in which they define what they’re calling “Grey Rape,” an act that is “a kind of sex that falls somewhere between consent and denial.”
Via this article the author (Laura Session Stepp) makes the distinction between “gray rape cases” and “more clear-cut date rapes,” despite the fact that every woman cited in the article was clearly forced into sex (which is rape, duh!) This new definition of “sort-of-but-not-really-maybe-rape” is troubling because it further perpetuates a blaming of the victim and attempts to excuse a crime that is clearly a crime. In many ways, Cosmo is saying “it’s not rape if you agreed to make out,” “it’s not rape if you had a lot of alcohol,” or even better (worse,) “it’s not rape if you passed out.”
It’s not like I’m surpised Laura Session Stepp wrote this article, because she also wrote Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both, where she first used the term. I’m not surprised but I’m still disgusted. Feministing had this to say:
(The term Grey Rape) creates a new category that suggests it’s not-quite-rape if you say “no” while drunk, or you say “no” to intercourse after you’ve said “yes” to making out. To not straight-up call it rape diminishes it and excuses it. It goes from a crime to simply impolite or bad behavior.
Thankfully there’s this: The NYC Media Response Project Letter Writing Campaign, “There’s No Such Thing as Grey Rape.” They’re calling it “a Call to Action against misinformation about rape spread by Cosmopolitan magazine in their September issue in an article called, A New Kind of Date Rape.” Here’s why they think you should get involved:
If this term gets popularized, particularly by the same political segment that attacked the documentation of acquaintance rape in the eighties, victims will be even less likely to come forward or seek help.
And I agree. So call Cosmo on their bullsh*t and email them at cosmo@hearst.com
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16 comments
I've heard the term "grey rape" before, but why on earth did Cosmo publish an article on this? Was it to inform women that they may have to face this kind of terminology if they lay rape charges on someone? Was it to give tips to men considering rape and whether they can get away with it? Totally bizarre and horrible.
Posted by Thea
August 28, 2007, 3:49 PM
By the by, I also love that there is an article in Cosmo called "Could Your Man Be Gay? Foolproof Signs!"
Posted by Thea
August 28, 2007, 3:51 PM
Stacey, thanks for the heads up on this very disturbing trend. After showing your post to my colleagues I was asked to write a piece for the work blog. Its at http://ourfuturehasnoviolenceagainstw...
I'm still learning about blog ettiquette and I should have thanked you right in my post. I'm thanking you now. Thanks.
I hope lots of people write to Cosmopolitan.
Posted by tuval
August 29, 2007, 2:37 PM
OMG! I'm 17 and I know at least half the girls at my school read Cosmo! I read Cosmo! This is just, I dunno, I just feel really disgusted right now...
Posted by Christina C.
September 2, 2007, 9:10 PM
I guess unless you've been raped by someone you know you can't understand grey rape.
I was raped twice. Both times were by someone I knew. The first time was by the guy I was dating at the time. He threw me on the bed and pinned my hands above my head. I tried to scream 'no', but I was so terrified that it only came out as a whisper.
The second time was by a friend while I was blackout drunk. Even before I went to hang out with the guy that night I knew he would try to sleep with me and I knew that I didn't want to sleep with him.
When you wake up next to someone in the morning and you have a gut feeling you slept with them that they later confrim, but you can't remember it, it is a very scary feeling.
At first I didn't want to call it rape at tried to blame myself for getting too drunk. But my friends kept telling me that if I was too drunk to give informed consent it was, in the eyes of the law and most people's moral code, rape.
As to what Stacy May claims Cosmo said... "In many ways, Cosmo is saying “it’s not rape if you agreed to make out,” “it’s not rape if you had a lot of alcohol,” or even better (worse,) “it’s not rape if you passed out.”"
I don't think Cosmo was saying that at all. The way it came across to me was Cosmo saying things that a victim of grey rape thinks and feels.
After reading your blurb, Stacy, I am completely disgusted that a woman would call any form of rape "bullshit." Shame on you. You clearly have not been a victim of rape, because if you had been, you would have never written that ingorant crap.
You have no idea what it is like to have been violated to the most intimate degree, and feel like going to the court system would be a losing battle. You have no idea what it is like to see the man that raped you walk around like nothing happened while you try to get your life back together.
I have always felt that I have been raped, but at the same time, felt that "rape" has too harsh of a term because I wasn't forcefully assaulted, and that "date rape" didn't fit because I wasn't drugged. And in any case, I didn't want to label myself as a victim.
Grey rape describes not only how I feel, but what happend to me. When I read the article I was relieved and comforted to know that I wasn't the only person who felt the way I did after being raped, and that there was a name for what happened to me.
I can't speak as to why Cosmo published this article, but I believe that it will help women that have been grey raped undwerstand and come to terms with what happened to them, and help them to see that, despite whatever actions they may have taken prior to their assault, it doesn't automatically make the sex consentual.
Posted by Somewhat Damaged
September 7, 2007, 12:01 AM
Somewhat Damaged, I really appreciate your comment - just in that I think you saw something in this article that I didn't.
I interpreted the article as downplaying and discrediting rape. To me, the article (which I must admit I have not read myself) was saying that if you were drunk and no one hit you while you were being forced to have intercourse, then it's not Rape, it's the minor leagues, it's not quite rape, it's grey rape.
However, from what I can gather, you're saying that to you, the article says, even if you were drunk and no one hit you, you were still raped, you have the right to call it that, and we even have a special term for it: grey rape.
Having experienced a situation more than once wherein I felt abused, but where the person who was hurting me was manipulative to the point that I was even afraid to simply call what was happening to me abuse, I feel like I can see where you're coming from when you say that you found the article reliving and comforting.
A pretty insidious and generally uncategorised form of violence against women is the constant messages that women are hysterical, overly emotional, and generally like to make something out of nothing. So having "official" corroboration for the terrible things that happen to us can be very validating.
At the same time, I really think that you misinterpreted what Stacey May was trying to say. I think Stacey May, just like I did, interpreted the article to be saying that "grey rape" is not real rape. She was saying that the term, not the act of what the article described as grey rape, is bullshit. I believe she was saying that the insinuation that any type of sex without consent - regardless of the state of mind/consciousness of the woman - is less than rape, and less than horrifying, is obscene. Your statement that no one who's been raped could say "grey rape is bullshit" is a huge assumption and possibly very hurtful.
I was very sorry and distressed to hear about the ordeal you experienced. I'm glad that you were able to find comfort in Cosmo - no matter how I may feel about Cosmo!
Posted by Thea
September 7, 2007, 10:47 AM
SD: I am very sorry that my post offended you and that I wasn't more clear in my wording.
Let me clarify: I would NEVER want to imply that ANY form of rape was "bullshit." I believe that whenever or however a woman feels she has been violated it is valid, regardless of what terminology she uses to describe it. I was attempting to state that Cosmo's use and therefore promotion of the term creates a "less than rape" definition. When there is a realm of "less than rape" there can be a realm of "less than criminal," and that frightens me. It suggests that if there isn't violence involved then it's not rape. In my view I have to agree with the notion that Rape is not determined by the existence of force, but the nonexistence of consent.
The tone of the artcle also disturbed me, suggesting (at least in my reading of it) that women should stay sober and therefore women who drink are complicit in the act of rape, and that is what I felt was "bullshit." I was attempting to critique the use of the term, certainly not the act it attempts to describe. I sincerely, genuinely apologize if in doing so I offended you.
Posted by Stacey May
September 7, 2007, 12:37 PM
I tried posting a story similar to the one in agreement with the cosmo article.
I too was involved in a situation they classified as "grey rape." I was 15, on my first date with a 19 year old, and I simply gave in after multiple failed attempts at saying no. I did not fight as hard as i should have, i did not tell anyone, or classify it as a "rape". To me, it was my fault because I did not fight harder, I just stopped saying no. I never did say yes, but I never felt I did the most I could.
This article gave me insight to the fact that it WAS rape. It gives me hope to know that other girls have felt the same anguish in dealing with a situation where what happens isn't what we are taught as young girls that rape is.
Posted by Lori
September 10, 2007, 10:49 PM
Im sorry, but have you ever experienced anything of the sort where you weren't sure how you felt about it? When I was 15 I wasn't forced into sex, but I gave into letting a guy who I didn't kno AT ALL do watever he wanted to me. It's different when you're in the situation itself. You don't know what to do so you freeze up, you try and say no but it's hard to be persistent because you're too scared and shocked.
Also, if you haven't read this article, please don't comment on it. By the time I was at the end of the article the first time I read it I was crying, I had never heard it described that way and had certainly never heard the term "gray rape".
So as I said, if you haven't had your own personal experience, don't try and act all disgusted, because what you were saying actually disgusts me.
Posted by Kelsey
October 29, 2007, 8:53 PM
Kelsey makes a good point, if you have never been the victim don't argue with the people who have. Why even read the article? You won't know how it feels. And Somewhat Damaged, if you ever read this, I was pretty freaked out when I read your comment because my situation is literally the same. I have never been able to put it into words, but I was raped twice aswell by the guy I was dating, and by my friend. What people don't realize is that we are the ones who coin the term "Grey-rape", because we don't do anything about it. My exboyfriend eventually realized what he was doing to me over and over again, but when you are as young as I was you don't know to do anything about it--you let it go. And my friend watched me drink to the point of blackout, and to the point where consent did not matter to him. And because my friends are tight-knit, I let it go. Girls in my situation lose their voice permanently, whether that means you couldnt speak up when it was happening to you or that you can't speak up now because its over (Atleast I hope). To this day I still treat them with the respect that they could not show me, because I want to be stronger than a victim. But the truth is, I cannot be in a relationship, and I play it off as I can't get interested in anybody. The worst part is I felt I had to sleep with somebody just to prove to myself that I can have consentual sex, and the whole time I felt suffocated. We need to believe in the term Grey-rape, because we didn't do anything about it. We are the voices that don't speak up, that are not included in statistics, and that you won't hear. I know I cannot categorize myself as "raped", because I put myself there, and to me they are not criminals. If that is disgusting to anyone because no one can be criminalized than so be it.
Posted by Embarrassed
October 30, 2007, 3:21 PM
Kelsey and Embarrassed,
I really appreciate your comments.
I have also "consented to" or "not resisted" sexual encounters that I didn't understand or ultimately wasn't cool with. They've haunted me ever since. So from a criminal standpoint, nothing bad happened, but as you point out, sex is way too complicated to reduce to criminal rape vs. not. We hear the slogan that silence is not consent, but sexual experiences are often about improv, body language and very subtle signals. Once the train gets on the tracks, it can be very hard to figure out how to slow it down or stop it, and by the time you do, the damage can be done.
Sometimes, the consequences of a non-criminal experience can be as or almost as traumatic as a criminal assault (which I've also been though). I completely know what you mean about being scared and shocked.
We're supposed to talk about sex, but half of the time you can't. You just figure it out as you go, and it can be really, really damaging.
Posted by Elle
October 31, 2007, 6:49 AM
I went out last week with some friends...I drank something that did not agree with me.My best friend only had 2 beers and he drove me to his house and was letting me spend the night.(this had happened many times before..he was my BEST FRIEND!) After throwing up 4 times before ever hitting the house and then passing out at the door I woke up to him having sex with me...IN THE MIDDLE OF IT! I was so sick I couldn't move..I couldnt speak! All I could do is lay there thinking it was a dream..After a second i passed out again...then the sound of a camera woke me back up..He was taking naked pictures of me passed out on his bed...I started to move a little and he put my underwear back on and left the room to go "finish"...I blacked out one more time
When I woke up I thought it was all a dream..My best friend would never take advantage of me like that...but when he left the house to get something to eat it all became a reality.
a used bottle of lube
a used condom in the trash can..the same trash can i threw up in before i blacked out
the camera was gone
I consider this RAPE! nothing more nothing less...
I did not give my permission. my choice was taken from me. i was used when i had no chance to fight back
Posted by joey
November 11, 2007, 5:01 AM
There is nothing grey about that situation. It makes me sick too. I hope you call a crisis centre or otherwise gather some support around you. There is lots of help out there. Best wishes.
Posted by Erin
November 11, 2007, 8:20 AM
This is an interesting conversation. My wife recently revealed to me that when she was 18 years old she went to a party, got very drunk playing a drinking game, agreed to make out with a guy she knew and then blacked out the rest of the night except a short flash of him on top of her having intercourse and her thinking "how did this happen" and "this isn't right". To me the alcohalic blackout is an important part of the entire grey rape concept. I remind my wife that at 18 she would have been visibly drunk at that stage and clearly did not know what she was doing and thus informed concent was NOT given. Was the guy super drunk also? Probably, but he was still able to perform. He should have known better but how can you be sure? Some people have a high tolerance and act fine in a blackout but not young woman in college. She likley couldnt even talk at that stage. My wife felt so ashamed she blocked it out for 20 years. Grey rape or not she needs to release herself of the guilt as do many other woman who make the mistake of drinking heavily around men they cant trust or themselves have bad judgement do to drinking themselves. Grey rape as a concept makes sense to me.
Posted by Frank
November 20, 2007, 11:23 AM
In some strange way its good to hear I am not alone. Remember rape can occur at any age weather it is violent or non violent. I am 45 yrs old and after a party at my best friends home I was passed out from drinking on the sofa. I was awakened to find my best friends husband performing sexual acts on me. I was in and out, like someone said earlier it was like a dream. I could not say anything aloud although in my head I was. I was in denial for several weeks blaming myself. I told my best friend about the experience and she blamed me as well. It was not until another friend of mine made me face the word RAPE that I could not deny what had happened to me anymore. I have started therapy which I would encourage every victim to do. Dispite whatever politiclly correct term we choose to use for what has happened to us we need to talk about it and support each other. This all happened on Nov 2 2007. I don't have much faith in our justice system so reporting it. I don't know
Posted by Brenda
December 13, 2007, 9:52 AM
Just wondering whether anyone still has a copy of this COSMO article? I am writing a MA thesis on societal attitudes towards 'drunk girls' (i.e. young women), especially with regards sexuality, and this looks ideal. If you can help, please email me at eilidhstrang@hotmail.com.
I am also seeking anecdotal stories about your exeriences with alcohol, so if you feel you'd like to get in touch to help that would be great (all anonymous, naturally).
Thank you
Posted by Eilidh
February 5, 2008, 2:52 PM
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