February 19, 2013 • Podcasts
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SF: So, how have you continued to learn about sex as you’ve been growing up?
T: Well, I’m not - I can’t say that I’m actively looking for new information of sex. I’m not actively going to tantric workshops or anything like that, although I wouldn’t turn down an opportunity to do interesting workshops, or learn interesting information on sex, it’s just not a priority for me. But I will say that as the older I get, the more self-assured I am. I think as a young woman, when you first understand your sexual nature, you first understand what you want sexually you feel - at least my own experience is that you feel guilty asking for pleasure.
I think as women we’re socialized to be the givers of pleasure as opposed to the recipients of pleasure. And, for women who do enjoy sex, and women who have an active sexual life, they’re labelled sluts and whores and bitches and whatever else. And, I mean, that’s the reality for young women. So, the older you get, the more you realize how problematic that is. The more comfortable you become in your body and the more in tuned you are with your own sexuality, the easier it become to say I don’t want this or I want more of this. So, definitely, the older I’ve gotten, the more comfortable I’ve become, and I’m able to say that this is not what I want, I want to have a better sex life or I want to have more toys, or I want to have more of this, and let’s try this, and I’ve become a lot more experimental. That also has to do with being in a healthy relationship that’s filled with trust and open communication that I’m able to negotiate that, but definitely it’s got a lot to do with growing up and feeling like I had a right to ask for different things.
SF: Are there things you’ve had to unlearn about sex?
T: Well, my experience is going to be different to other people’s, right, so I’ve got to, sort of preface that, and say that for some reason - and I’ve had this conversation with friends. There seems to be this idea that every single sexual encounter will lead to an orgasm. And I don’t know how true this is, I don’t know how true this is for other women. Myself in particular, I cannot say that every single time I’ve had sex I’ve had an orgasm. When I researched it, I think like only like, I think it’s like less than 50% of women actually orgasm by having sex. So there’s a serious miseducation, because I went into having sex with this expectation that I was going to orgasm every single time, and if I wasn’t that there was something wrong with my sexual partner and if I wasn’t there was something wrong with me, and I needed to go see a doctor.
SF: Are you talking about penetrative sex or are you talking about sex in a more general way?
T: I’m talking about penetrative sex. Also, I mean the other thing that I had to unlearn, is that sex is not always comfortable. That women’s bodies are created so differently that everyone’s experience of sex is going to be quite different depending on the way that their vagina is shaped, right? The way that a man’s penis is shaped. I’d never, ever had that conversation with anyone when I was much younger. The older I got, I felt a little bit more comfortable talking to my friends about it. In my mind, I thought that there was one vagina and that there was one penis, and that there was no variation between that, so, every single time that penetrative experience should be comfortable and lead to an orgasm. And then, the older I got, the more I learned about people who are allergic to semen, the more I learned about people having pain every single time that they had sex because of the shape of their vagina, and that totally just shocked me.